A Matter of Faith #2 OUT OF CONTROL

OUT OF CONTROL - OR RATHER NEVER IN IT...

Every person wants to believe that they have some aspect of control over their lives.  At some point perhaps many of us think...if I do this or that, or gain this thing or that, then this or that will happen.  I know I did.  But what I have slowly been learning is that, no matter what happens in my life, I am not the one in control.

Maybe we don't think about it much, but if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that we spend most of our time in uncertainty, rather than confidence.  Even those of us who believe in the Lord and have asked for direction...after following that leading...can be tempted to assume that we made a mistake when the road turns in an unexpected, or more difficult direction.  If we aren't careful, we may throw in the towel just when we are about to achieve a victory.  Case in point...

MONKEYS ON MY BACK

When I was a newly converted Christian and working my way through my restitution's prior to Baptism (If you are unfamiliar with this term, a restitution is when you make right a past mistake/sin which the Lord has laid on your heart, usually through guilt.  This is not to say you need to make right every wrong you ever did, that would be impossible.) I was heavily convicted that I needed to pay back some money I owed to the government.  During my initial visit to report the matter, I learned that in the interim the amount had tripled in size due to interest and penalty fees.  Nevertheless, I agreed to the repayment plan of $5.00 a week...I know it doesn't sound like much, but it was all I could afford...which would have taken me about four years to complete.  The real trouble began a week later when I learned that my pay was to be cut in half.  

The company I worked for was downgrading my store from an A to a B store.  As I listened to the management and union team collectively state the reasons, my alarm grew.  Inside I cried out to the Lord that I had just made that commitment, what would I do now?  At the end of the meeting I immediately went to the union rep and asked what my options were.  That's when I learned that this was actually God's grace and the light at the end of the tunnel that would get me to the end of my commitment in a matter of months instead of years, because I was being given a choice.  I could transfer to another division at the same pay grade, leave altogether and take a large buy out, or remain at my current job, take a cut in pay, and get a partial buy out.  The last choice meant that I still had a more certain position and the money I needed to pay off the debt completely, which would come in about three months.  Instantly my heart changed.  While others were grieving, I was rejoicing, because I knew that God had made a way for me.  What I didn't know was the testing that would come with that choice, which would make them the longest three months of my life.  Why?  Because Satan is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour.  And for the first time in my life, I would need God to be in control.

That very same day the verbal persecution began with, "If I hear that you've given them even $5.00 a week..."  How could they possibly know that this was the agreement, when I had never told anyone, or showed them the documents?  From then on and for the next three months, I woke up each morning with the dread of living through another day of either the silent treatment, or death threats hissed through clenched teeth, threats to end my life, my home, and worse, because they wanted the money to go elsewhere.  Wanted mind you, not needed.  In hindsight, maybe I should have left.  (The term door-mouse comes to mind and even now as I write this I can feel the tension growing in the pit of my stomach.)  Nevertheless, as no actual blows were rendered I held my course, because I believed the Bible and a verse that told me not to leave, and I believed God and wanted very much to please Him.  On one particularly bad day, I spoke with the church elder about the situation to ask for prayers and guidance.  He offered a three year benefit that I could extend to my persecutor if they would back down.  But at that moment a word from scripture leapt into my heart and I responded with it.  "Thank you, but no.  I will not give to God what costs me nothing."  With that I held my ground and continued with the payment plan as laid out, enduring the threats until the last day when the partial payout would be received and I could pay off the debt in full.  

The persecution was the worst on the day I received the payout, but it did not come from the same person.  It came from the source...please remember this and who is the source of all evil.  Money in hand I headed out to make the final payment.  As I drove I began to hear the threats that had been spoken like twisted words, sinister voices shouting over top of one another in my head.  It was like having a pile of monkeys climbing on my back squawking, pounding and pulling at me, until I finally couldn't take it any more and shouted loudly in return, 'Get thee behind me Satan'.  Instantly they were gone and so was the fear and I was filled with an immense sense of peace and joy, and a sense of knowing that God would look after me, no matter what.  

That evening at dinner, I advised the party that it was finished.  They changed the subject.  Thinking that I was not heard, or I was not clear I tried again saying, "I did what I had to do."  Again the subject was changed.  Again I thought I was not clear enough, so I told them, "The money has been received and the debt has been paid in full."  They changed the subject and left the room.  That silence was harder and more dreadful to endure than all the verbal threats put together.  That night I prayed and went to bed not knowing if I would wake up the next morning, or where I would find myself if I did.  I even packed a case with a few essentials in case I had to leave in a hurry.  But I did wake up.  They left the next morning in silence.  Then at 10:00 AM I received a phone call.  Their voice said quietly, "I know what you did.  You did it behind my back, but...you have always been there for me and forgiven me.  So if that's what it takes for you to get right with God, I'm okay with it."  And just like that the trial was over.  I sank to my knees and cried, admonishing myself for having been fearful instead of trusting God more fully.

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So where is your life boat headed? Think about your Father asking you to put it in His hands; to trust Him to guide you through difficult and painful places; through hurt, rejection, fear, and grief; and still more, to go there joyfully and learn to be as He...who was lead as a lamb to the slaughter. Yet this is exactly what He is asking you and me.  Will you give the wheel to Him, stop choosing your own path of least resistance, stop believing you know what is best for you, stop believing that everything you want is there for the taking, even if it is?  Are you willing to lean on Him, ask Him for the strength, and belief you need to trust that He will answer and help you? He wants you to give Him control, so that He can teach you and use you in the lives of others so that you can believe that even when it hurts, He is loving you more than anyone else on earth can, or ever will! Why? Because only through the things we have experienced, can we be equipped to stand up and share His truth to others with confidence.  Only then can we know that He is real, His word is true and He is willing, and able and the God He says He is, and He is love.

What do you think, is it worth it?  Are you willing?  You decide.  The choice is yours.  My ship may not appear to have a helm, but it does and Jesus is at the wheel.  Its riding on the winds and waves that are controlled by Him who created them. "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God!"  (Hebrews 10:31)  How very true, but it is also only God who knows our abilities, fears,  and needs.  He also knows our failures, thoughts, and intents too and loves us still.  You may not know the pathway, or see the distant shore, but then you never really did; but with Christ you can rest assured that it is there and you will reach it!  Just trust and obey and ask Him to carry you through.

In the love of Christ,

Beverly